no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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