is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
