if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
