Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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