Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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