my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
