Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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