Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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