he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
