none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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