i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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