I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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