If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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