What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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