I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
