i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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