My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
