I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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