I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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