dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
