you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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