Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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