I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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