Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
