I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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