ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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