We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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