Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
