I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My cat gives me a boner
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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