I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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