My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
