How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I deserve this hangover.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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