Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
