Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
