you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
