Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
