We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This is the high leading the old right now
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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