Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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