shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
