I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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