I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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