Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
