I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
