So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He passed out mid-signature
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
