So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
