gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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