Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
