my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I still have a little drunk in my system
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
