dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
