Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
