GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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